5 Stages of Grief Applied to the Final Weeks of Pregnancy

I'm sure at some point you've taken a psychology class and learned about the 5 stages of grief: 

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

As I've stated in a lot of my previous posts , I have not had what I consider an "easy" pregnancy. In fact I've downright hated being pregnant. Usually these stages are usually applied to losing a loved one. However, I have found them applicable to my final weeks of pregnancy. Mostly regarding my due date and when I would finally give birth.

1. Denial: After hearing from my doctor a few weeks ago that I would likely not make it the full 40 weeks, I believed her wholeheartedly. Anytime anyone would tell me that statistically, first time mothers tend to go over 40 weeks with their first. I childishly told them, that I was not just another statistic, I would not even make it to 40 weeks, my doctor told me so. I refused to make any appointments or plans (starting at week 36) because I just knew I was going to go into labor at any moment.
2. Anger: I actually feel like the next 3 stages, anger bargaining, and depression where slightly muddled together. I definitely felt each one, but one day, I was angry the next depressed, halfway through that same day I was bargaining. I was angry because I each subsequent appointment I went to since being told I probably wouldn't make it to 40 weeks, there was little to no progress. In fact each time I went, it was looking like more and more that I could possibly be a first time mother statistic. I was angry at my doctor for getting my hopes up, I was angry at my body for not doing what it was supposed to do, and I was angry at my unborn child for being so stubborn.
3. Bargaining: Around 37 and a half weeks, I started Googling ways to naturally induce labor. I bounced on a yoga ball all night, ate an entire pineapple in one sitting, took castor oil (not recommended), ate eggplant parmesan (don't you love all of these random old wives tales about inducting pregnancy), going on long walks, climbing stairs, and doing squats every night. I begged my body and prayed every night that if I could just give birth I promise I would be happier and stop complaining about everything in my life so much. I promised that I would never complain about another body ailment again.
4. Depression: After about a full week of trying these remedies (most of them daily), I realized it wasn't working. I honestly did fall into a state of depression. I swore I would never give birth, that I would be miserable for the rest of my life. I kept thinking I was being punished for something because I hadn't given birth (dramatic I know). I felt like everyone else who was due in April (and some who were due in May) were already given birth and here I was still pregnant. I developed major babyitis (think senioritis when you were in school) and didn't care about anything at work. In fact every time some came up to me with an issue that needed to be solved, I just got annoyed because their petty little problem had nothing on the way I was feeling.
5. Acceptance: Finally, I am at the final stage, acceptance. This past weekend it really hit me about how immature, selfish, and ridiculous I was being regarding my due date and giving birth. I had tried nearly every natural labor inducing remedy (that I considered safe for me and my baby) I could find and I was still pregnant. Clearly, she is not done baking and needs more time. I know that I wont be pregnant for ever. Even if I go past my due date (which is this Friday 4/28/2017) I will likely only be pregnant for 2 weeks longer because then my doctor said she would induce. I've realized that Zoe will come when she is ready and there is nothing I can do to make her come earlier. And believe it or not, I actually feel peace at this thought.

I am super excited to meet our little girl soon and I honestly do think as long as she is healthy and happy, that is all that matters. I feel stupid that I spent all that time in the stages of grief when I wasn't even close to my due date yet. I wasted a lot of time pouting when I could have been enjoying my last few weeks not adhering to anyone's schedule but my own. One of my biggest fears at becoming a mom, was my own selfishness. I consider myself to be pretty selfish, I like to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I have to admit, pregnancy has taught me a lot about preparing for what is to come. What it will be like to put someone before myself. I am really excited about this growth and look forward to how much more I will grow once I have Zoebot in my arms!

A Whole New Outlook

Week 3 of no running begins. I did not run in the Sherrif’s 5k on Saturday. I made the mistake of seeing how I felt by going on a short jog around the neighborhood on Friday. My hamstring didn’t necessarily hurt during the run, it just felt really, really fatigued. It felt like a time when I had a personal trainer, and to test my fitness, he would make me lift a certain weight as many times as I could, until I absolutely couldn’t physically lift that weight another time. So, my hamstring felt like that last rep right before I crapped out and I couldn't do anymore. It felt like that throughout the whole run. I ran for about 2 miles and it was tough. My breathing was out of control and both legs felt so stiff. I felt ok at the end and decided I would show up to the race and listen to my body. If it said to slow down or walk, I would do that. I picked up my packet and saw one of my crazy fast friends there. I asked him for his advice on what I should do and he agreed that I should listen to my body.

Later that night, my body made it loud and clear that there would be no running or walking the next day at the race. My leg was now sorer than it was when I initially injured it. Before walking wasn’t painful, but now it was. I really wish I wouldn’t have run, but I was so eager to get back out there. Unfortunately, I tend to learn everything the hard way. Now I know, I need to wait until I have recovered fully to even attempt a run. I have been doing everything in my power to try and heal as quickly as possible, including ice, Epsom salt baths, a lot of rolling, I even bought a Groupon for a deep tissue massage because I heard it could help.  I have to admit, these last 2 weeks I have bumbling around the house feeling sorry for myself and giving dirty looks to runners I see around town, but no more. This year’s resolution was to be more positive. When this is over I will come back stronger than I was. This honestly helps me appreciate running more. You know what they say, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

I am going to use this time to make cross training a part of my schedule. Yesterday, I went to the gym for the first time in months and I hopped on the elliptical for 30mins, followed by the bike for 15mins, and finally the rowing machine for 10mins. Today, I’m hitting the pool. I have to admit, it is exciting, mixing things up. There was a point recently where I was dreading having to go out for a run, but I am very much looking forward to gym time and doing something different. I think this break is going to rejuvenate me and my running. I will be better for it.

Haze and Hamstrings

You might be looking at this picture thinking, "huh, I didn't know it was so foggy in Reno." That, my friends, is not fog. That, is a huge damper on my running. That is the reason IronMan Lake Tahoe was cancelled last weekend. Those are not clouds it the sky. That, is smoke from the King fire. This is week two of some of the worst smoke we have ever had here. Last year we had a lot of smoke in the valley for about a month straight because of the Yosemite fire, but I don't think it was this thick. Normally, I would be throwing an adult termpertantrum, but even if I was tempted to venture outside for a run, I couldn't do it anyway.

At the Journal Jog, the Sunday before last, while warming up, I was doing my normal pre-race routine and doing some strides. Upon coming to a stop on my last stride, I felt a deep ache in my leg. I just brushed it off and ran the race. My leg was a little crampy in the beginning, but after a mile, I completely forgot about it. After the race and after I was sitting around for a while, I noticed the pain returned in full force, but I didn't want to entertain the thought that I might have actually injured myself. But, now more than a week later, realizing I can't run more than two steps without pain, I have finally decided to face reality. As they say denial isn't just a river in Egypt. I'm not sure what I did, but I have been Googling non stop and it sounds to me like I have a grade 1 hamstring strain. According to what I have read it takes about 1-2 weeks to heal, however, that is with doing R.I.C.E (rest, ice, compression, elevation) immediately. Since I spent the first week in denial, I didn't start any kind of treatment until Sunday. I have a race this weekend and the following weekend, and I don't think I'll be able to do either. I am super bummed, because (please excuse me while I throw myself a pity party) I turn 30 in November of this year. I don't know if this is the same everywhere, but the female overall winners seem to always come from the 30-34 age group. At this point for me, age group placements are all I have to go for, and almost every race this year I have been on the cusp of winning an AG award. I felt like this was my last chance before I enter the super competitive AG in November, and now I have a bum leg. I have been a good girl and I only attempted to run once since the Journal Jog ( I made it .25mi before I threw in the towel). I am hoping the rest helps, and if I'm still in pain on Saturday, I guess I wont be racing. Fingers crossed!!!

One more picture of the smoke, you can actually see the smoke rolling in for the day in this one:

A Runner Defined

What is a runner? And, is it possible that I am a runner?

It’s a question I have asked myself numerous times over the past year. Really, what is a runner? Is a runner someone who runs 70+ miles per week? Someone who runs nothing shorter than a marathon race? Is a runner someone who has all of the latest running apparel/shoes and gadgets?

My previous definition of a runner was all of the above. I thought a runner was super-fast, ran super-far, and has been running for a…super…amount of years. Come to think of it, I thought anyone who even ran at all was a runner, with the exception of me. It wasn’t until January of this year, when one of my co-workers was talking about running to another co-worker and said, “Lynsey’s a runner” that I even contemplated myself as a runner. I promptly corrected my obviously misinformed co-worker, that I was not in fact a runner. “But, you run don’t you?”  She retorted. “Well…yeah, but I’m not a real runner.” And with a shrug of her shoulders and a roll of her eyes, the topic of my status as a runner was over.

What didn’t she understand? I am by no means fast. I could never get away with running in a sports bra and shorts (or skorts). I’ve never even run a half marathon, let alone a marathon. Sure I ran, but that doesn’t make me a runner…does it?

Well according to my good friends over at Merriam-Webster:
Runner
noun \ˈrə-nər\
One who runs.

Huh? One who runs? That’s it? Where’s the part of the definition that includes sponsorships, and 6 minute miles? A runner can’t simply just be one who runs, right? Wrong! I have come discover that it is that simple. A runner is one who runs. It’s funny, I’ve always said I’m not a “real” runner, but if I  wasn’t a real runner, than what was I? A fake runner? To all of those that think like I previously thought, I really want to put this out there, that it doesn’t matter how fast, far, or how much you run. It doesn’t matter if you’re 8 or 80 years old, what size pants you wear, or how long you have been running for. If you run, you’re a runner! I think as humans, we are our own worst enemies and we downplay ourselves. Either because we are just trying to seem humble or because we truly can’t fathom that we are good enough to hold the prestigious title. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to be fearless when it comes to running, and part of that I believe is getting over the silly notion that I am not a runner. So, I am a runner! It’s in my blog name and it is something I am proud to say. I hope all of you will join me and “Say it loud…I’m a runner and proud!”

What is a runner to you?
Have you ever had trouble saying you were a runner?
If so, why?

Runniversary Reflection

It's my 1st Runniversary!

I have been reflecting a lot lately. About my training, and the way I am carrying it out. I have in the past been very negative towards it, often comparing myself to others. I don't want to do this anymore. I am my own person. I am proud of what I have accomplished so far. So, for my 1 year runniversary (it was in February), I changed my blog design and title, and thought I would reflect a little on what I have learned this past year.

• When I first started running in February of last year, I had no idea what tempo, LSD, cross training, or even how far an actual marathon was. I refused to call myself a runner. Now, I am proud to have added many new words to my vocabulary, and I am a runner. I run, therefore I am! 
• I started by huffing and puffing through every run, running each one at a pace I hoped to maintain for any given race. I learned this was a very quick way to develop injuries and not improve very much. You can never run an easy run too slow.
• I learned about ITBS, and that it takes a lot of time to recover, and prevention is the key. Strength training is now my best friend.
• The running community is amazing an supportive. From the beginner runner to the crazy fast elite. Everyone seems willing to help
• Compairing myself to others will only bring me down.
• What you eat matters a lot when it comes to running performance, and how you feel during a run.
• Hydration, hydration, hydration!

And to end this quick little post, some of my accomplishments from February 2013 to February 2014:

First 5k: 30:33 --- Most recent 5k: 24:43

Longest distance run: 4mi --- Longest run to date: 12.5mi

Fast training pace: 10:00/mi ---Easy training pace: 9:45/mi

*MAF Update:
In my previous post I spoke about heart rate training and more specifically, MAF training. Even though I did a lot of research on it, I think I jumped in too quickly. Unfortunately, the pace MAF training requires me to run at, hurts my knees and feet. So I think until I have a little more running under my belt, I wont be able to continue on with the plan. This doesn't mean I'm not going to run easier at a slower pace though. I am still wearing my HRM, but it's there for a guideline, not a strict rule.